Last week I used confidential information and arranged for the abduction of Blitzen the reindeer from Santa’s famous band of sleigh haulers. Initially, I gave orders for abduction of anyone of the 12 reindeer, with the intention of using anyone of them. My band of Giraffe bandits ended up seizing Blitzen.
We held Blitzen for a week in a cage, and sent a letter to Santa demanding he fill our Christmas lists this year, or Blitzen was toast. To this day, I do not know what my plans were entirely on this, as they were kind of created after about 3 bottles of Merlot… but that is another story.
Not to digress, we sent my demand letter to Santa, and waited. Santa had blacklisted me last year, and this year I felt I had a similar history, so this was my new plan. I was gonna get my gifts, even if it meant blackmail and kidnapping. It being a new idea, and not ever having head of anyone else ever trying this, I and my colleagues thought it was worth a try. I now know why no one ever tries this, but I am getting ahead of myself…
So where was I? Oh yes, we had caged Blitzen. Getting him to our secret location was only a small part of the story, but I did not this oddity, Blitzen was way too cooperative. After a week or more of waiting and no response from Santa, I recieved a video message from him. I posted it on my facebook page, but here it is: Santa’s Response.
I still did not believe him. He refers to my ‘Mommy’ which I have none. He makes reference to my being 10 years old,
and he is way off. He hits the mark on my request for a rocket launcher though. So it left me perplexed.
Then one foggy evening, I went out check on Blitzen only to discover he was not in his cage! The door was open, but there were tracks! So I followed them and it led to the wine cellar. There I found Bitzen, and he was drunk off his ass. Blitzen was the North Pole wino! That is why Santa did not care! It was probably the first time he was able to drink his own booze without blitzen drinking most of it! That explained the crazy video from Santa!
Then, after I got some help with getting him back in his cage, we discovered something even more sinister. Blitzen was more than just a wino for the famous reindeer team. He was also Santa’s personal glove warmer! See this last photo and tell me if you are not grossed out!
So I gave up on the abduction and let Blitzen loose, but he would not leave! Seems this is the best he has ever been treated! NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH A DRUNKEN REINDEER WHO IS SANTA’S PERSONAL GLOVE WARMER!?!